"we only care about how much of a mess you make of the other guys; not how pretty you look while you're doing it."

le sigh.
past few weeks have not been kind to me.

my boyfriend got conscripted~
i'm becoming more and more alone~~
and also~

it's kinda embarrassing to say, actually
but uhm

i've been confused about my gender identity~~

> _<

go ahead, laugh~

it started less than a year ago~
i had a strange dream that made me feel uncomfortable for the whole day, and a few days afterwards as well~~

in the dream, i was different.
i~
well fine, i'll just say it.
in the dream, i had a dick.


..~
you can laugh again~ it's fine, i don't mind~ go ahead and laugh~~

i began to wonder if i was transgender~
it made me feel down but i don't think i told ade about it
actually, i think i might've, but idk

i managed to forget about it for a while~
i forgot about it until summer~
one day in january~~

i'd told ade about it already (maybe i'd remembered it again~?) but this time i refused to tell him anything about why i was upset~

so i just kept my mouth shut~

though, a few months later (notice how the lengths of time were getting shorter?), once again i remembered~
i told ade~~ and for a few days i felt rly down~ (the length of time i spent upset grew longer)

i found out about a thing called "bigender" - was that what i was?
for a while i identified as that, and the sad and confusing feelings went away again~

but then ade left for the army~


left alone, my thoughts began to continue their confusing assault on my mind~~

"bigender"
that doesn't fit.
it never fit.
i just called myself that to make myself feel better.

i told ade i was upset and confused and that having a girl's body made me uncomfortable~
ade said he thought it was kinda cool if i managed to avoid both the male and female stereotypes~

so then, was i an androgyne?

maybe.
it fits better than bigender


but my body's not androgynous~
not at all~ no way~
even with my short hair~ my height (167.5cm, in case you were wondering [but even then i'm still rly short compared to biological guys my age])~ and the fact that i was, on occasion, and without effort, able to convince people that there was smth else between my legs~

but my body still doesn't match my mind.

i thought about hormones and surgery~ just like i do everytime i remember that i'm not actually a girl~

ade said he'd still love me~ he'd always love me~ but it would feel weird for him for a little while if i transitioned~
he thinks i'm perfect the way i am~ wonder if he'd think i'd be just as attractive as he thinks i am now, though neither of us can answer that~~ i rly hope he'd like the way i'd look~

ben, my best friend, doesn't like change~ doesn't want me to change~~ though, despite being catholic, he doesn't judge me or bully me at all.

i guess that's all i should expect from someone/everyone/anyone~ anything more would be selfish~~


it seems like other people like me have known about themselves for a very long time.

i only realised when i was fourteen.

so does that mean i'm not real?
is it just a phase?
does all this confusion mean nothing?


if i transitioned, my voice would change. that'd be only thing that rly bothers me amongst the changes that would occur in my body~
i wouldn't be able to sing anymore~ i'd have to completely relearn everything~~

why couldn't i have realised sooner~?
i could've begun hrt before natural puberty commenced~
i'd have the body i want~~
broader shoulders, no curves, taller, stronger~~

asdfdhejdgevhsos

"i'm giving myself just under five years.
when i turn twenty, if i'm still unhappy with my body, then i'll commence my transition, regardless of what anyone else thinks. -anteeksi ade-
or, if i have come to terms with being in this body, then i'll do nothing and stay the same."
is what i wish i could say.

but even so..~
what am i~?
transgender? bigender? androgynous? smth else?
am i a man or a woman? a girl or a boy? or none of the above?
the words transgender and bigender don't fit~~ i wish i could just be intersex or smth~~ i'd be happier if i was born a futanari or smth like that~~

and even if i did transition, i can never become fully male~ is that even what i want? no, it'd be fine if under my pants, there were girl parts.
but why~ why didn't i know sooner? before the first natural puberty~~ could've had testosterone coursing through my veins instead of oestrogen, but no. no.
"aw too bad kat
no happy ending for you now"

i'll still stay short, my shoulders won't widen, my hips won't narrow.

i want boy's clothes~~
this weekend, i'll try binding my chest for the first time~ i'll put on a boy's shirt and loose pants and stare at myself in the mirror and see if i can discover what my true identity is~~


i'm still unable to express everything i'm feeling~
why can't i be honest with myself~?

i wonder what my name would be if i was born a boy~

-i'm sorry, i wish i could make you understand, i'd still be the same person, please don't stop loving me, it's so lonely, i know it's a lot to ask but please don't leave, even if you decide you don't want someone as fucked up as me just please don't leave me-

i think i hate myself

yeah.


in scripture today, the teacher asked if anyone was atheist; i raised my hand.
a girl asked me if i had gone through the sacraments, and when i replied with "yes", she said that 'technically', i'm a christian.


haha, screw that. like hell i am.


even though i disagreed, technically, technically, TECHNICALLY i'm christian.
i refuse to be told what i am and what i'm not; i've had enough.


i had to go to a barbecue with some family, because one of my cousins is getting married tomorrow. i was informed of the barbecue fifteen minutes before we left.
there went my plan of speanding the whole night with that one person~


i pretty much spent the whole night listening to how my oh-so-perfect cousin got a scholarship to japan, gets to stay in tokyo with this über rich family, of whom the father is the GENERAL MANAGER OF SONY.
the mother's a translator.
they're loaded.
they're perfect.

and i'm so goddamn jealous.

but i've no right to be jealous do i? people have got it worse, so it's automatically a sin to want more than i've already got, isn't it?
just a selfish bitch.

and and, if i'm sick of people fauning over her, the pretty girl two years my senior, and if i go out on to the verandah and sit for half an hour or so, it's bad too.
it's bad to be antisocial.
it's bad to be angry.
it's bad to not be able to talk to people whom i havn't seen in months.

my dad said he only got to see his family once a year at best, and that they were all at least ten years older than him. he said i should stop being antisocial and go and talk to everyone else.

someone else had it worse, so that means i'm not allowed to be sad, right?


my head hurts so bad.


and my brother. i wanna punch his lights out.

screw him.


i hate him.

i hate people at school.

i hate my family.



i hate myself.

a belated realisation.

today, i consciously realised for the first time, that this blog consists solely of things i want to say to the one person whom i love, but for some unsubstantiated reason i cannot say them to him.

kitto, hitori ha sabishii~

Dear Diary,
Caspa and Feilix
Hate me, and I
don't know what
to do.
Every
time I
try to sit with
them, they go
away. Please
Help!

i wrote that in a diary when i was five.

casper and felix were two brothers i knew, they caught my bus and don't live too far from me. judging from this, they didn't like me


but no one likes me anyway



i went in search of a book i owned, it was based off the movie Anastasia and played sounds when its buttons were pressed
one of the sounds was the song called Once Apon a December, and it sounds beautiful in finnish

kerran joulukun aikaan.

ミツケラレナイ。


if i were to go in search of dolls, toys, anything i owned,

ミツケラレナイ。


my memories are becoming broken

i'm losing my memories

i'm losing myself.


i went to a beach i visited quite often when i was little
half of the playground was missing, a set of two lonely swings in its place
a place behind the playground, filled with grass, disappeared



losing myself.




do you know how it feels to be the only one in your house on a cold summer's night to be sleeping alone?

my grandparents shared a bed.

my parents shared a bed.

my brother and his girlfriend shared a bed.


i fell asleep alone
with only my computer for company.


but it will be a very long time before i'm able to sleep in the arms of the one i love, so i guess i should just suck it up and get used to it.


crybaby.


i'm a goddamn crybaby!



my brother aimed his massive nerf gun at me, and shot a foam bullet at my chest, hit me right on the middle of my collar bone

my mother yelled at me and said i was overreacting.


why do i cry so easily~?

do i have borderline personality disorder or smth?


.


i feel so lonely

god, so lonely


ghostooo ni naritai.




.

what do you see

i don't have to forgive anyone, i don't

but don't want to forgive anyone; not at all
i might've forgiven them, had it been an accident
but i won't forgive them; because it wasn't

was discriminating against someone for being bi an accident, or
is making fun of someone's appearance a mistake?
was calling someone a multitude of names something to be taken lightly, and
is it fair to hate them for what they've done?

was it fair when they pulled my hair and hit me,
when they grabbed my wrists and bruised me?
was it fair when they ran from me? when they yelled at me?
when they threw food at me and trapped me?

can you blame me for hating the people around me,
or for constantly blocking out the world with my music?
can you hate me for hiding away in the library,
or for wanting nothing to do with anything?

is it so hard to notice the purple under my eyes,
or the red above them?
is it impossible to see the pink on my cheeks,
or have i become invisible?

the person you can see is not the real me,
just a poorly maintained facade.
the person inside has locked all the doors,
just trying to hide from the world.

you don't care about her, though;
what do you see when you look at me?
you only care about yourselves, right;
what do you see when you look in the mirror?

surusilmä's castle

today is warm, even though mr sun is only making a brief appearance.

today my head is hurting and i feel sick, and slightly dizzy.

today.
today today today.


today surusilmä will escape to her castle, even though it's not much of a castle. a library isn't a castle, but she can dream. play pretend.

today she will listen to music all day, ignore everything. dead to the world. but music can't block out everything.

today, most likely, scanty drops of salty water might fall from those sad eyes. she wonders if anyone would be there to stop them from staining her face. wonders if anyone cares enough to prevent them from stinging her eyes.

"but does anyone notice, but does anyone care".



i can't stand when people ask me if i'm okay.

i wish very dearly to be able break down an cry and tell them everything that's wrong.

but i can't do that.

can't let anyone see me cry.


so i'm sorry, if i give you a weak excuse such as "my head just hurts" or "i'm just tired".


but for how long will i be able to keep this up~?

so maybe, today,
huddled in a corner, high up in surusilmä's castle,

maybe i'll cry.










today

i cried.

valoissa

jos valoissa kaadun, enkä huomenna voi liikkua
maadun matojen ilona
ei kai sinusta tule sellaista
kuin niistä, jotka vain surevat, vain surevat

time slowed down and made me dizzy. then, just as suddenly as it had slowed, it sped up again and my head began to hurt.

i've gotten pretty lazy with updating this, havn't i? i used to update it every day xD


but that seems like an eternity ago now~


it's been raining for a while now, even though it's summer.
plz come out from behind the clouds mister sun~ i know i say i hate you a lot, but i don't rly mean it

it's cold mister sun~ don't you like sharing the sky with the clouds?



i know that no one i know irl reads this, or is even aware of its existence, but it would be nice if you guys stood up for me when i'm being bullied right in front of your eyes~

slow updates are slow, but~

mm~

i think~ being in love, it makes time weird~ can't keep track of it anymore



i'm in love, aren't i :3

feeling light-headed and blushing and butterflies~ it's definitenly love, i think~

but~ distance is rly horrible thing~~


mm gin no hari~ <3
deep in my side, deep in my side, boku no kono te no naka ni
sickness my ife, sickness my life, ochiru kimi wo miru yo

ohisashiburi

it's been like, over a month i know~
i'm sorry~

lots of things happened, but i'll just skim over a few.
for example~ i went to a con, which was pretty epic :3
and i'm going scuba diving tomorrow~ even if it is only in a pool.

also, lovesickness is almost completely gone~
yeah~


does anyone even read this~? i wonder



pyon~

ohai~

ohai thar~

i like this website

so follow me



anyway, love sickness sucks. so does real sickness. i've been feeling icky since last wednesday. this can't be good..

i got a new game called alien swarm :3
it's violent :D
and multiplayer

i must find people to play with me..

hopefully, i'll have mirror's edge by tomorrow afternoon >:D
steam hates me.. D:


does anyone know of any good co-op games? please tell me.



chocolate coins are yummy..




i know there was something that i wanted to talk about, but i can't remember..

mou

qsgadgsgkhvhmvasdfbn


i can't write anything

stupid love sickness



i hate this

fire

i went to a scout camp on the weekend.. not as fun as i'd expected it to be. hardly got to see yutaka ._.
but i was so tired i slept until 3:30pm today, so maybe i enjoyed it a little.

it's been hard to tell dreams from reality lately. my dreams feel real and my reality feels fake. it's been pretty confusing.




..


edit;

"the miracle of meeting by chance". "the red string" (of fate).
such things exist, right?

they have to.


this music, infiltrating my ears and mind. why does it feel different? it sounds like the two stereo tracks have been separated. as though a bit of each was played into both ears but now completely isolated.
why is that?

why does being alone make me so depressed? it never used to.

sitting here in my armwarmers, reading messages and conversations i've had. things like this never used to make me feel so..

melancholy.


call it teenage angst or whatever, but sometimes i swear that word was created for me. even if today is somehow a bit different.


or maybe i'm just moody or something today..




i must sound insane to the people reading this.

~arm warmers~

^twilight^

hmm..

i think i will cut a pair of stockings up and turn them into arm wamers..

is posting every day annoying? P: i wonder if my followers think "oh god, she posted again~"

edit;


*snip snip*




what do you think? :3

nachos

^my hello kitty gacha toy that i bought yesterday while feeling kinda depressed.

i had horrrible cramps and a headache today, i couldnt concentrate. so i went home and slept for a couple of hours.
then i woke up and talked to yutaka :3

eeh, i had scouts today. we cooked mexican food. :3
umm, mega picture spam in this post. i felt the need to take pictures of freaking everything~

i got the gacha that i wanted for once ♥
notices~
some lollies
a giant Shrek thing.. xD
my friends put fake blood on their faces and went off to scare some teachers xD
i bought some chocolate with popping candy in it :3
zetsubou, i saved some for you.

"itoshii no merankori----."

Have you ever just
stood in the cold rain
waiting for the wind to stop
drowning in melancholy?

i feel as though i'm leading a double life of sorts. me, the kurage, and me, the highschooler.every time i leave my computer, i lock it. i can't risk my brother or my parents finding out about the forum, my folder full of pura pictures, or even this blog. my msn, too.
i think i've been doing pretty well in concealing the jellyfish part of me, but i'm afraid that something's going to just slip out. "haha, i was talking to shinju the other day about that.." or "last night at 4am when i was talking to zetsubou..".
i don't want to think about such things.
what would my family do, i wonder?
scold me for talking to strangers in various countries after seeing my msn?
call me a stalker after seeing my folder of pura photos?

but i guess there are worse things that they could find. my dream diary, for example. or maybe my conversation logs on msn..
that's too horrible. D:

i still can't find my head phones.

i feel so lonely lately.


three (=one) little kittens (=girl)
they (=she) lost their (=her) mittens (=headphones/happiness/sanity)
and they (=she) began to cry (=?)

echo

i can't find my headphones. i had to go to school without them ._.
wherefore art thou headphones?
lol ok then..
i was talking to a kurage on msn on friday night, i think. or maybe saturday. i'd said something about him joining the forum only three days after i had, and asked him if he'd been reading my posts before we knew eachother.
to which he replied yes..
..which i find (incredibly) embarassing because i'd posted about ryuutarou's feet a couple of times around february.

well then, please ignore the ramblings of the insane/immature me.

lately, i've been wanting to watch a lot of movies, but i don't know where to obtain them nor do i have anyone to watch with.
i want to watch things like "aeon flux", "the fifth element" and "the rocky horror picture show".
okay, that last one was,,

anyway.
i wonder who reads this thing anyway?
i guess comment if you read it? idk

it feels like i'm yelling out in a cave just to see if my voice will echo.

->Pura->

not feeling the best today. since i have school tomorrow..
i feel kind of melancholy. no, that's not the right word. but i feel like i cant even do anything.
as though i can't sing, or draw, or even control my dreams. (and i've been trying to do that since january ._.)
i can't think of anything to write today...
i was thinking of competing in the second heat of the talent contest, but i don't know if i should even try.

i'm sorry, this is a very depressing blog, isn't it?
but that reminds me; if you want to hear me sing "zetsubou no oka", then *click click*

creamcolouredflower said i should talk about replacing the cream in cakes with mayonnaise, but i think they taste very nice with cream anyway. :3

Sugar Cane Fires

eeh.. i lost the talent show. knocked out at the first heat. ._. didn't even get a place.
stupid-girl-who-wins-everything-she-enters-and-it-stuck-up won it. dammnniitt.
she's ugly too.
and she can't even dance or sing.
okay, that was (really) low. but seriously.i really don't like her.
and i went first.
so horrible ._.

and they picture is of smoke from sugar cane fires P:

first blog..

umm.. since i have no idea about how to actually write a blog, i will go searching how to while i distract you with the picture of Akira (not a dog, not a horse, but Akira) that i drew with my eyes closed.

eeh, i guess i'm supposed to talk about how my life is? i don't know. i'm nervous because of this talent show thing that i entered without even thinking. (i'm singing Zetsubou no Oka, if anyone wants to know). i think you'll be able to hear the show here , i don't know. it's bed time now ._.

~minami