"we only care about how much of a mess you make of the other guys; not how pretty you look while you're doing it."

le sigh.
past few weeks have not been kind to me.

my boyfriend got conscripted~
i'm becoming more and more alone~~
and also~

it's kinda embarrassing to say, actually
but uhm

i've been confused about my gender identity~~

> _<

go ahead, laugh~

it started less than a year ago~
i had a strange dream that made me feel uncomfortable for the whole day, and a few days afterwards as well~~

in the dream, i was different.
i~
well fine, i'll just say it.
in the dream, i had a dick.


..~
you can laugh again~ it's fine, i don't mind~ go ahead and laugh~~

i began to wonder if i was transgender~
it made me feel down but i don't think i told ade about it
actually, i think i might've, but idk

i managed to forget about it for a while~
i forgot about it until summer~
one day in january~~

i'd told ade about it already (maybe i'd remembered it again~?) but this time i refused to tell him anything about why i was upset~

so i just kept my mouth shut~

though, a few months later (notice how the lengths of time were getting shorter?), once again i remembered~
i told ade~~ and for a few days i felt rly down~ (the length of time i spent upset grew longer)

i found out about a thing called "bigender" - was that what i was?
for a while i identified as that, and the sad and confusing feelings went away again~

but then ade left for the army~


left alone, my thoughts began to continue their confusing assault on my mind~~

"bigender"
that doesn't fit.
it never fit.
i just called myself that to make myself feel better.

i told ade i was upset and confused and that having a girl's body made me uncomfortable~
ade said he thought it was kinda cool if i managed to avoid both the male and female stereotypes~

so then, was i an androgyne?

maybe.
it fits better than bigender


but my body's not androgynous~
not at all~ no way~
even with my short hair~ my height (167.5cm, in case you were wondering [but even then i'm still rly short compared to biological guys my age])~ and the fact that i was, on occasion, and without effort, able to convince people that there was smth else between my legs~

but my body still doesn't match my mind.

i thought about hormones and surgery~ just like i do everytime i remember that i'm not actually a girl~

ade said he'd still love me~ he'd always love me~ but it would feel weird for him for a little while if i transitioned~
he thinks i'm perfect the way i am~ wonder if he'd think i'd be just as attractive as he thinks i am now, though neither of us can answer that~~ i rly hope he'd like the way i'd look~

ben, my best friend, doesn't like change~ doesn't want me to change~~ though, despite being catholic, he doesn't judge me or bully me at all.

i guess that's all i should expect from someone/everyone/anyone~ anything more would be selfish~~


it seems like other people like me have known about themselves for a very long time.

i only realised when i was fourteen.

so does that mean i'm not real?
is it just a phase?
does all this confusion mean nothing?


if i transitioned, my voice would change. that'd be only thing that rly bothers me amongst the changes that would occur in my body~
i wouldn't be able to sing anymore~ i'd have to completely relearn everything~~

why couldn't i have realised sooner~?
i could've begun hrt before natural puberty commenced~
i'd have the body i want~~
broader shoulders, no curves, taller, stronger~~

asdfdhejdgevhsos

"i'm giving myself just under five years.
when i turn twenty, if i'm still unhappy with my body, then i'll commence my transition, regardless of what anyone else thinks. -anteeksi ade-
or, if i have come to terms with being in this body, then i'll do nothing and stay the same."
is what i wish i could say.

but even so..~
what am i~?
transgender? bigender? androgynous? smth else?
am i a man or a woman? a girl or a boy? or none of the above?
the words transgender and bigender don't fit~~ i wish i could just be intersex or smth~~ i'd be happier if i was born a futanari or smth like that~~

and even if i did transition, i can never become fully male~ is that even what i want? no, it'd be fine if under my pants, there were girl parts.
but why~ why didn't i know sooner? before the first natural puberty~~ could've had testosterone coursing through my veins instead of oestrogen, but no. no.
"aw too bad kat
no happy ending for you now"

i'll still stay short, my shoulders won't widen, my hips won't narrow.

i want boy's clothes~~
this weekend, i'll try binding my chest for the first time~ i'll put on a boy's shirt and loose pants and stare at myself in the mirror and see if i can discover what my true identity is~~


i'm still unable to express everything i'm feeling~
why can't i be honest with myself~?

i wonder what my name would be if i was born a boy~

-i'm sorry, i wish i could make you understand, i'd still be the same person, please don't stop loving me, it's so lonely, i know it's a lot to ask but please don't leave, even if you decide you don't want someone as fucked up as me just please don't leave me-

i think i hate myself

yeah.


in scripture today, the teacher asked if anyone was atheist; i raised my hand.
a girl asked me if i had gone through the sacraments, and when i replied with "yes", she said that 'technically', i'm a christian.


haha, screw that. like hell i am.


even though i disagreed, technically, technically, TECHNICALLY i'm christian.
i refuse to be told what i am and what i'm not; i've had enough.


i had to go to a barbecue with some family, because one of my cousins is getting married tomorrow. i was informed of the barbecue fifteen minutes before we left.
there went my plan of speanding the whole night with that one person~


i pretty much spent the whole night listening to how my oh-so-perfect cousin got a scholarship to japan, gets to stay in tokyo with this über rich family, of whom the father is the GENERAL MANAGER OF SONY.
the mother's a translator.
they're loaded.
they're perfect.

and i'm so goddamn jealous.

but i've no right to be jealous do i? people have got it worse, so it's automatically a sin to want more than i've already got, isn't it?
just a selfish bitch.

and and, if i'm sick of people fauning over her, the pretty girl two years my senior, and if i go out on to the verandah and sit for half an hour or so, it's bad too.
it's bad to be antisocial.
it's bad to be angry.
it's bad to not be able to talk to people whom i havn't seen in months.

my dad said he only got to see his family once a year at best, and that they were all at least ten years older than him. he said i should stop being antisocial and go and talk to everyone else.

someone else had it worse, so that means i'm not allowed to be sad, right?


my head hurts so bad.


and my brother. i wanna punch his lights out.

screw him.


i hate him.

i hate people at school.

i hate my family.



i hate myself.

a belated realisation.

today, i consciously realised for the first time, that this blog consists solely of things i want to say to the one person whom i love, but for some unsubstantiated reason i cannot say them to him.

kitto, hitori ha sabishii~

Dear Diary,
Caspa and Feilix
Hate me, and I
don't know what
to do.
Every
time I
try to sit with
them, they go
away. Please
Help!

i wrote that in a diary when i was five.

casper and felix were two brothers i knew, they caught my bus and don't live too far from me. judging from this, they didn't like me


but no one likes me anyway



i went in search of a book i owned, it was based off the movie Anastasia and played sounds when its buttons were pressed
one of the sounds was the song called Once Apon a December, and it sounds beautiful in finnish

kerran joulukun aikaan.

ミツケラレナイ。


if i were to go in search of dolls, toys, anything i owned,

ミツケラレナイ。


my memories are becoming broken

i'm losing my memories

i'm losing myself.


i went to a beach i visited quite often when i was little
half of the playground was missing, a set of two lonely swings in its place
a place behind the playground, filled with grass, disappeared



losing myself.




do you know how it feels to be the only one in your house on a cold summer's night to be sleeping alone?

my grandparents shared a bed.

my parents shared a bed.

my brother and his girlfriend shared a bed.


i fell asleep alone
with only my computer for company.


but it will be a very long time before i'm able to sleep in the arms of the one i love, so i guess i should just suck it up and get used to it.


crybaby.


i'm a goddamn crybaby!



my brother aimed his massive nerf gun at me, and shot a foam bullet at my chest, hit me right on the middle of my collar bone

my mother yelled at me and said i was overreacting.


why do i cry so easily~?

do i have borderline personality disorder or smth?


.


i feel so lonely

god, so lonely


ghostooo ni naritai.




.