what do you see

i don't have to forgive anyone, i don't

but don't want to forgive anyone; not at all
i might've forgiven them, had it been an accident
but i won't forgive them; because it wasn't

was discriminating against someone for being bi an accident, or
is making fun of someone's appearance a mistake?
was calling someone a multitude of names something to be taken lightly, and
is it fair to hate them for what they've done?

was it fair when they pulled my hair and hit me,
when they grabbed my wrists and bruised me?
was it fair when they ran from me? when they yelled at me?
when they threw food at me and trapped me?

can you blame me for hating the people around me,
or for constantly blocking out the world with my music?
can you hate me for hiding away in the library,
or for wanting nothing to do with anything?

is it so hard to notice the purple under my eyes,
or the red above them?
is it impossible to see the pink on my cheeks,
or have i become invisible?

the person you can see is not the real me,
just a poorly maintained facade.
the person inside has locked all the doors,
just trying to hide from the world.

you don't care about her, though;
what do you see when you look at me?
you only care about yourselves, right;
what do you see when you look in the mirror?

surusilmä's castle

today is warm, even though mr sun is only making a brief appearance.

today my head is hurting and i feel sick, and slightly dizzy.

today.
today today today.


today surusilmä will escape to her castle, even though it's not much of a castle. a library isn't a castle, but she can dream. play pretend.

today she will listen to music all day, ignore everything. dead to the world. but music can't block out everything.

today, most likely, scanty drops of salty water might fall from those sad eyes. she wonders if anyone would be there to stop them from staining her face. wonders if anyone cares enough to prevent them from stinging her eyes.

"but does anyone notice, but does anyone care".



i can't stand when people ask me if i'm okay.

i wish very dearly to be able break down an cry and tell them everything that's wrong.

but i can't do that.

can't let anyone see me cry.


so i'm sorry, if i give you a weak excuse such as "my head just hurts" or "i'm just tired".


but for how long will i be able to keep this up~?

so maybe, today,
huddled in a corner, high up in surusilmä's castle,

maybe i'll cry.










today

i cried.

valoissa

jos valoissa kaadun, enkä huomenna voi liikkua
maadun matojen ilona
ei kai sinusta tule sellaista
kuin niistä, jotka vain surevat, vain surevat

time slowed down and made me dizzy. then, just as suddenly as it had slowed, it sped up again and my head began to hurt.

i've gotten pretty lazy with updating this, havn't i? i used to update it every day xD


but that seems like an eternity ago now~


it's been raining for a while now, even though it's summer.
plz come out from behind the clouds mister sun~ i know i say i hate you a lot, but i don't rly mean it

it's cold mister sun~ don't you like sharing the sky with the clouds?



i know that no one i know irl reads this, or is even aware of its existence, but it would be nice if you guys stood up for me when i'm being bullied right in front of your eyes~